Jul 17 (6 days ago)

Hello - yes, I am well and I am glad to hear you are also. I had a dream about you the other night...you were skinny! I remember it was great to see you and you had a big smile on your face. It was a good dream.

Congrats Grandpa! You are spreading your seed far and wide with many grandbabies!

Tell her I think she will make an awesome mother and I am happy for her.

Does this mean that you are a permanent employee? You are being cryptic again. If so, congratulations are in order again! You have much to celebrate.

Have a wonderful weekend and it is good to hear from you and to know you are doing so well.

Only In Dreams

I used to believe you thought I was ...

>> ... you were skinny!

... fat and that I was some ...

>> ... You are spreading your seed far and wide ...

... sub-class indiscriminant who's beneath you and ...

>> ... You are being cryptic again ...

... incapable of human and technical communication, unitl I told you I got my first tech writing job, to which you replied:

Don't Blow This One, Too!

When the woman I loved spoke so poorly of me, I found that I was being forced to live without the girl that used to be my best friend. I had to become successful all on my own.

>> ... you have much to celebrate ...

I had to learn how to focus on winning, even while you saw fit to distract me with calls to remind me of what a loser I used to be. I had to learn how to live without talking to the best friend of my whole life.

It hadn't occured to me to celebrate, because ...

>> ...you had a big smile on your face.

... in my dreams, when you smile, you are smiling for someone else; because of someone else.

>> ... to know you are doing so well.

You have called me just to tell me that you have no time to call me. You laughed at me when I asked you to help me with my loneliness. You still insist on reminding me just how little you think of me.

You took from me my only friend and left me nothing but a part-time you.

Your voice and manner have changed in the last thirty months. For twice that much time had I decided to try my best to look past the rind of you because of how sweet I thought you were inside.

There is no reason for me to do this anymore.

NO THANKS NEEDED

9:33 PM 5/20/2009 

On a Cinco de Mayo morning, for the first time in thirty months, I spoke to the woman that was the best friend I ever had.

I am confident that you are who I spoke to that Tuesday morning. I believe that the few times I reached you when I've called you in the past two-plus years may not have been, for you, the best time to talk to me. I can only assume that everytime I call you now I get no answer because it may very well be that no more will there ever be, from now on, a good time or any time at all for you to talk to me.

But I didn't bring any of that up. I didn't get emotional, weepy or sad, hurt, nor over-joyed or suspicious, yet I recognized immediately, unmistakeably, the voice and words I had become accustomed to in the first half of this decade. 

And sure enough, sandwiched between a pair of pleasantries, you "thanked" me, in her voice.

Friends thank friends for being or doing so when they're about to die or kill the other. A friend need not express gratitude for that which no one, including the recipient, could deny or repress. 

One might say thanks to another if the other spent an inordinate, unnecessary amount of time on the former. One could just as easily say "I'm sorry" instead of "thanks" instead. Because a real friend would know the other isn't, and still it would not matter.

To say "thanks" for being there to someone who really loves you is like telling that person to breathe. Because you know you'd stop if she asked you to. And you know she would if she felt she was entitled to or deserved it.

But that's for other people, not us, right? 

We'll know each other on some level that's pretty much unknown to me. I'll have to keep on playing phone tag with myself and continue to volunteer unwanted, unnecessary updates on a life that has been cleanly, quickly removed from yours.

B. F. N.

Friends say "thank you for being a friend" when one or both of them ____ .

A. is about to die.
B. has just enlisted in the Army
C. has been sentenced to serve time in jail.
D. is sleeping with the other's spouse or significant other.
E. getting ready to never speak or see each other again forever.
F. is joking
G. None of the above.

If you said "g" you'd be right, for real friends don't say "thank you" unless they're about to say goodbye forever.

So unless you're getting ready to give me my heart back because you know you're done tossing the rest of me out of your new, better life, I'll just keep making more calls that go unanswered and keep you posted on my progress whenever your unforgiving schedule allows you to do so.

Because that's what friends are for.

DEFINE FRIEND

A person other than a family member, spouse or lover whose company one enjoys and towards whom one feels affection.


A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.


A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts..

You are welcome to call anytime.

I am, thankfully, past the intern stage of my writing career. I am allowed the flexibility to handle personal matters and phone calls during the week. Getting phone calls while I'm doing projects I own are far less traumatic emotionally and professionally than finishing the projects of others, as was the case when I was an intern.

In contrast, I am of the opinion that, today, you aren't as available for such calls as I. While I may not call often, my calls are often unanswered. And because I am calling for little more than to "catch up" there's no reason to ask why that is. I much prefer leaving a message that may or may not get a reply than to force us into a conversation that really isn't one.

So, bottom line is nothing has changed. Call when you wish, answer when you can.

Thank You

6:58 PM 5/10/2009

"Thank you for being there ..."

A few years ago, I tried getting us both used to the inevitable change in our lives I knew was soon to come. It came unannounced but I knew the moment it arrived. Without a word, the only unmistakeable sign that the movie I didn't want to see was released was the change in your voice.

Over time, the less you told me, the more your tone, tempo and manner tried to say in it's place. I did not realize our exchange or dialog had become a polite or topical one and succeeded only in making any attempt we both made at conversation an awkward and counter-productive experience.

I took the change in your voice and manner too personally.

Fast forward to Present Day: I spoke to you five days ago. I sincerely appreciate what you said and will remember it always. But as much as I appreciated what you said, I can also clearly recall recognizing the tone and manner of your voice.

For the first time in two years, I spoke to the best friend I have ever had in my life. And for that I can honestly say: Thank you.

FOR YOU - START AT THE BOTTOM

This blog is so you can stay updated.

. . April 17th: Dread Zeppelin, Coach House
. . . . San Juan Capistrano

. . April 10th: La Ventana, RC.

. . April 7th: Begin softball on Tuesday
. . . . and Wednesday nights.

. . March 27th: Stephen Jackson's B-day
. . . . party by Snoop Dogg, SF

. . March 20th: Blood Sugar Sex Machine,
. . . . RHCP cover band in Redwood City

. . March 18th: I go blonde.

. . March 17th: Zoo Station: U2 cover band
. . . . at the Red Devil Lounge, SF.

. . March 5th: First day working in Fremont

. . March 2nd: Taught FrameMaker in Dallas.

. . February 28th: Upper-front crowns done.

HAPPY EASTER FOREVER

I called you the day after Easter to thank you for the text message I received the day before. I left a voice message stating so. Three days later I called again, for I had you down in my calendar for a phone call anyways.

Both calls and messages have gone without reply for weeks now, which is a behavior in you I do not recognize.